The Types of People You Always Meet in A Theatre

The Types of People You Always Meet in A Theatre:

I have been in theatre for ¾ of my life. I did my first show when I was six and have continued to do theatre for the past 16 years – performing at my elementary, middle, high school, Genesius, Reading Civic Theatre, The GS Playwrights, Kutztown University, The Keystone Arts and Theatre School, and now I have my first grown up job in the Ephrata Performing Arts Center as a Theatre Administrative Coordinator and there are some people across the board that are in EVERY production/theatre group/production and if I had the technological ability to use GIFS - I totally would for this:

The Head Bitch in Charge: (Usually) A woman who makes a lot of decisions, is a hard ass, likes to be ultra-efficient and isn’t always the most perceptive to ideas that are not their own. Overtly practical and crazily pragmatic, this bitch can GET SHIT DONE but don’t even talk to her during tech week. Ain’t nobody got time for you. (this was me for most of my college career)

The FLAMING gay guy: The one who is always asking you about men’s dicks, make everything a sexual joke, call their ass “my back pussy”, constantly asking if your straight male cast members want to give them a blow job, who constantly are swooning over Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, Cher, Patti Lupone, and any other myriad of famous (solo) bad bitches, with the lisp, hair care products and a slew of female best friends – this guy is twerking hard for the week….and weekend.

The “Straight” One – The tall, handsome, straight, good looking guy. Even if he isn’t the only straight one in your cast – he is the one all the girls are busy lusting after with the flaming gay guy. Usually, he would only be like a 7 or an 8 but surrounded by all gay guys and women – competition is STEEP and this bumps him up to a perceived 10. The more talented he is – the higher on the attractive scale he gets per the women in the cast

The Slutty One – The one with tits and ass that would stop a tractor trailer and she’s always bending down, licking her lips, sitting on a guys lap, flirting, touching and creating opportunity to touch all good looking and not as good looking guys. She is the receiver of MANY side eye petty slants and rude comments when she’s not around. She’s sweet but theatre is a JUNGLE of competing for straight men and this girl is the queen of that jungle.  

The Miss America: The girl that everyone likes for really no reason at all. She’s pretty, average, young and all around middle of the road. Sweet, gentle, funny, talented but not spectacularly at any of it. But no one cares because she is just really nice and really nice to work with. She just kind of exists without making waves.

The Stoner: There’s always that ONE fucking asshole in the cast (almost always a guy – every show but ONE – it was a guy) that shows up to everything stoned out of his mind. He always has the visine eyes, giggle at everything, are hard to talk to, and seem to be obsessed with an object in the room…usually the fucking floor. He is also the one asking for breaks like every twenty minutes to go get a snack.

The “Professional” One – There is usually a bratty person (male or female is not importante) that has had like the tiniest lick of a paid, professional career and do nothing but brag about it. Oh you did this show? Well I did it with a director who once was the personal acting coach of the Long Island Medium’s dog. Oh I was an extra in an orange juice commercial. Well I was like a really big deal in this summer program where they paid us. Oh yeah, I am a server also.

The Sexually Ambiguous One – As Legally Blonde the musical taught us, there are some people that you can’t tell if they’re gay….or European. And lemme tell you. This uncertainty is the worst. You heard a rumor that he was gay and liked the “flaming gay one” but alternately you saw him kiss Miss America at a party – but gay guys kiss women all the time…and he has a bit of a lisp but he wears white socks with sandals…and he has some feminine mannerisms but really likes sports…he’ll joke about some guy sucking his dick…but then make the same joke about a girl. WHO SHOULD BE GOING AFTER YOU IN THIS CAST SEXUALLY AMBIGUOUS GUY?!

The Diva - This bitch thinks the whole show revolves around them. They show up late, have a bad attitude, are constantly bragging or thinking they are above the law. They take copious amounts of other people's time working on their own scene, stop rehearsals, interrupt, always put their two cents in where it is not needed.
They are generally difficult to work with and you just want to yell at them...but they are SO damn talented that it would be totally worse to not have them...Catch 22 on that one.

 The “I’m Just Glad to Be Here” – They are the kind of person that has either never been in a show before or hasn’t done one since they were five. They are always on time, know their lines, stay extra, are just generally nice – fly under the radar and are always in a good mood at rehearsal because they are just happy to be there! They tried out on a whim, got a small part, and are REALLY fucking grateful for it and love to let you know it. Usually a freshman or a younger cast member. They are just EXCITED TO BE THERE.

The One That Makes Excuses – There’s always someone who will make an excuse for LITERALLY everything when no one even fucking cares. During notes – they don’t just say “okay” or ask to clarify (both activities I feel are acceptable behavior during notes) they argue with the director EVERY. SINGLE.  REHEARSAL. – “Well I did it this way because –“ No. No. There is no “because”. They told you to stop fucking doing it. Stop doing it. If you have an idea or a question about something specific – you talk to the director afterwards. Not during notes. They make excuses for being late, for not wanting to wear a costume, for why they can’t remember their lines, why they didn’t come to rehearsal, for their bad audition/performance….Calm down, excuse maker. The more excuses you make the less I care about them…or you.

The “This Is My Last Show…No Really This Time” One – Usually in community theatre there is the one person who says that EVERY show is going to be their last one. They say that they are tired of the theatre grind/the theatre’s bullshit/acting/want to pursue other hobbies/they hate everyone in the theatre/or are just getting too old to want to be a part of the theatre community. This is usually said in a fit of frustrated hate towards someone in the show and they say “This is going to be my last show here…I really mean it…I just can’t do this anymore” and make a big dramatic statement during the cast party about the end of the show. Then they are at the next audition. Every. Single. Time.