Love is NOT patient

I don’t know a lot of things about love. I can safely say I have only been in love twice in my life. I have loved other men. I have loved my friends and my family and people close to me. But I have only twice, given my heart completely to being in love. And one of those two times, he was incapable of loving me the way I loved him and that just about broke my heart.

Now I’m in love. Deeply, truly, in love. And I know that because I have no desire for other men. I've never felt that. He satisfies me in every way a boyfriend can. He challenges me intellectually, gets at least 80% of my references, he laughs when I laugh, admires me even when I have last night’s make up all over my face, tucks me into bed when I've been drinking, gets angry at what I’m angry at, can sing in such a way that I swoon, understands the true devotion of theatre, and does crossword puzzles with my dad. He brings coffee to work, holds me when I cry, pumps my gas when I’m too tired, and works to make sure that I feel appreciate and loved every day. We have nothing to fight about so we have taken to improving fake fights as an old married couple. I have a future with him. I can’t say it’s forever, because who could possibly know that for sure? But it’s certainly a future. We always call it the long haul.

But I am here to tell you that those quotes you read about people who are desperate for love is absolute horseshit.

Love is not patient. Love is being annoyed because they are always late. To damn near everything. It is being annoyed when they won’t finish and it’s been fucking forever. Love is tapping your foot while they put make up on and getting frustrated when they don’t know what to wear because you know they’ll look good anyway. It’s rolling your eyes in the grocery store when they compare two products that are fucking IDENTICAL and it’s been ten minutes that they have been reading the label. It’s getting to the front of the coffee line and ordering and realize that they are still looking at the damn menu. Like what the hell were you doing all that time we were in line?

Love is kind. No. It is not. It’s picking on each other for the little stuff. Teasing them about the way their hair looks or an inside joke of something you can both laugh at. It’s getting a good laugh at each other’s expense and smooching them and saying “loooove you.” It’s knowing when you’re fighting what buttons to press and which buttons you NEVER press. It is having the ability to emotionally destroy your partner and then just not doing it.

It does not envy. Lies. I am completely in love and I trust my partner implicitly. But when I see some skank putting her hands all over my man, I get a little ghetto jealous. Loving someone in such a way that you get jealous when people get a taste of what is yours, is totally normal.

It does not boast…Sure it does. It boasts about how lucky you are every day that you found someone whose bullshit is worth putting up with. It boasts on social media about the flowers they sent, about the cute moment they shared, about their wedding. Nowadays it is all about boasting.

Love is not proud. It is too. I am proud of his accomplishments. I feel joy for his triumphs and sadness for his failures. He congratulates my wins and mourns my losses. He holds my hand because he is proud that I am all his. It’s pride in all the things that they do, because their victories are my victories and vice versa.

Here’s what I know about love. It isn't much, but it certainly is something. It is all of those things. It’s about teasing and being jealous and getting annoyed that they didn't do the dishes again or being frustrated because they didn't understand your reverse psychology. It’s about being late to the movies and playing rock paper scissors over what to watch on Netflix. It’s about sleeping in their arms and waking up and kissing them even though you haven’t brushed your teeth yet. It is impatient for the rest of your life to begin. It is not kind. It is adoration and respect. Kind is a tawdry word you use for stranger’s and random acts. Not for something as chemical and romantic as love.

Love is a phenomenal, wonderful, amazing, slap in the face and I couldn't ask for a better feeling.

Great People Do Some Shitty Stuff

So I was lying in bed last night and thinking about allllllll the people in the world….and watching Orange is the New Black. And the character of SoSo said something about how Gandhi used to sleep with two concubines in his bed. Fucking Gandhi had NOT one but two live in sex buddies. I don’t know if that is any way true but it made me think about other powerful public figures that are known for doing “good in the world” and what the rest of their life was like. A reverse example of this would be how Hitler (widely known for doing terrible shit to people) was an artist and loved art and architecture.

So after doing hours of tedious research here is some dirt I could dig up on terrible people:

Nelson Mandela:

A well-known, radical, advocate to end apartheid and widely known for spending nearly 30 years in prison for his activism against the corrupt government of South Africa.

….Did Something Terrible

Founded UmKohonto we Sizwe – which was a radical, underground, military movement that was known as the “terrorist” arm of the ANC and was found guilty of 156 acts of government sabatoge, the torture and execution of captives, taking prisoners, leaving landmines in rural and residential areas, and caused almost 200 deaths.

Martin Luther King Jr:

was an American pastor, activist, humanitarian, and leader in the African-American Civil Rights Movement. He is best known for his role in the advancement of civil rights using nonviolent civil disobedience based on his Christian beliefs. Also well known for his “I have a dream speech”

…..Did Something Terrible

Had several extramarital affairs with several women over years and years. He is widely considered to be a “hypocrite” for how much he preached about the sanctity of the bible and then stepped out on his wife. And during the Red Scare of communism – he was allegedly part of the commie movement.

Mother Theresa:

A well known nun and missionary who made it her life’s mission to open charity homes, aid people in impoverished countries, having peaceful selfless devotion to those in need. She also opened thousands of Missionary Homes (basically homeless shelters) across impoverished countries all across the world.

…..Did Something Terrible

Funneled all but 7% of the millions of dollars coming in to support her cause. The Missionary Homes could not feed children, often sexually abused them, tied unruly guests to beds and beat them and also helped spread fatal diseases. The rest of the money was extorted in to several bank accounts across the world. Some of the money was even bribe money from the Haitian dictator to make her support his rule to the people that were impoverished in his country.

Vincent Van Gogh

Largely considered one of the best post-Impressionist artists of all time. His work is considered emotional, deep, innovative, provocative, and bold. He is generally considered one of the best artists of all time and has gone down in history for his struggle with mental illness.

….Did Something Terrible

Continually stalked a “lady of the evening” after having a one night tryst with her. She was disinterested in pursuing something with him but he was insistent and became more and more infatuated with the young prostitute. His obsession reached its peak when he CUT OFF HIS OWN FUCKING EAR to impress the bitch.

And from all I can tell Thomas Edison was apparently a huge douche that hired low key scientists to create and invent this and then patented him in his own name, purposefully electrocuted an elephant to death to prove a point to Tesla, was often drunk, stole money and credit from his associates. He was also a huge asshole to women and children and any type of minority. So Edison, thanks for the electricity that I am currently using to type this…but also FUCK YOU. Bai.

There were THOUSANDS of celebrities like this – Bill Murray had allegations of beating his wife, Eddie Murphy had 8 children by 5 different women and refused to pay child support to any of them, Matthew Broderick killed two people in a car accident and did not go to jail, Suzanne Sommers refused to speak to a pilot who’s mother had cancer (she is a huge poster child for cancer awareness) and then complained to the company about him. Robert Plant liked girls age 11-15 and said the younger the better, Elvis had sleepovers with 12 year old virgins so they couldn’t critique his style….The list goes ON and ON.

The Types of People You Always Meet in A Theatre

The Types of People You Always Meet in A Theatre:

I have been in theatre for ¾ of my life. I did my first show when I was six and have continued to do theatre for the past 16 years – performing at my elementary, middle, high school, Genesius, Reading Civic Theatre, The GS Playwrights, Kutztown University, The Keystone Arts and Theatre School, and now I have my first grown up job in the Ephrata Performing Arts Center as a Theatre Administrative Coordinator and there are some people across the board that are in EVERY production/theatre group/production and if I had the technological ability to use GIFS - I totally would for this:

The Head Bitch in Charge: (Usually) A woman who makes a lot of decisions, is a hard ass, likes to be ultra-efficient and isn’t always the most perceptive to ideas that are not their own. Overtly practical and crazily pragmatic, this bitch can GET SHIT DONE but don’t even talk to her during tech week. Ain’t nobody got time for you. (this was me for most of my college career)

The FLAMING gay guy: The one who is always asking you about men’s dicks, make everything a sexual joke, call their ass “my back pussy”, constantly asking if your straight male cast members want to give them a blow job, who constantly are swooning over Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, Cher, Patti Lupone, and any other myriad of famous (solo) bad bitches, with the lisp, hair care products and a slew of female best friends – this guy is twerking hard for the week….and weekend.

The “Straight” One – The tall, handsome, straight, good looking guy. Even if he isn’t the only straight one in your cast – he is the one all the girls are busy lusting after with the flaming gay guy. Usually, he would only be like a 7 or an 8 but surrounded by all gay guys and women – competition is STEEP and this bumps him up to a perceived 10. The more talented he is – the higher on the attractive scale he gets per the women in the cast

The Slutty One – The one with tits and ass that would stop a tractor trailer and she’s always bending down, licking her lips, sitting on a guys lap, flirting, touching and creating opportunity to touch all good looking and not as good looking guys. She is the receiver of MANY side eye petty slants and rude comments when she’s not around. She’s sweet but theatre is a JUNGLE of competing for straight men and this girl is the queen of that jungle.  

The Miss America: The girl that everyone likes for really no reason at all. She’s pretty, average, young and all around middle of the road. Sweet, gentle, funny, talented but not spectacularly at any of it. But no one cares because she is just really nice and really nice to work with. She just kind of exists without making waves.

The Stoner: There’s always that ONE fucking asshole in the cast (almost always a guy – every show but ONE – it was a guy) that shows up to everything stoned out of his mind. He always has the visine eyes, giggle at everything, are hard to talk to, and seem to be obsessed with an object in the room…usually the fucking floor. He is also the one asking for breaks like every twenty minutes to go get a snack.

The “Professional” One – There is usually a bratty person (male or female is not importante) that has had like the tiniest lick of a paid, professional career and do nothing but brag about it. Oh you did this show? Well I did it with a director who once was the personal acting coach of the Long Island Medium’s dog. Oh I was an extra in an orange juice commercial. Well I was like a really big deal in this summer program where they paid us. Oh yeah, I am a server also.

The Sexually Ambiguous One – As Legally Blonde the musical taught us, there are some people that you can’t tell if they’re gay….or European. And lemme tell you. This uncertainty is the worst. You heard a rumor that he was gay and liked the “flaming gay one” but alternately you saw him kiss Miss America at a party – but gay guys kiss women all the time…and he has a bit of a lisp but he wears white socks with sandals…and he has some feminine mannerisms but really likes sports…he’ll joke about some guy sucking his dick…but then make the same joke about a girl. WHO SHOULD BE GOING AFTER YOU IN THIS CAST SEXUALLY AMBIGUOUS GUY?!

The Diva - This bitch thinks the whole show revolves around them. They show up late, have a bad attitude, are constantly bragging or thinking they are above the law. They take copious amounts of other people's time working on their own scene, stop rehearsals, interrupt, always put their two cents in where it is not needed.
They are generally difficult to work with and you just want to yell at them...but they are SO damn talented that it would be totally worse to not have them...Catch 22 on that one.

 The “I’m Just Glad to Be Here” – They are the kind of person that has either never been in a show before or hasn’t done one since they were five. They are always on time, know their lines, stay extra, are just generally nice – fly under the radar and are always in a good mood at rehearsal because they are just happy to be there! They tried out on a whim, got a small part, and are REALLY fucking grateful for it and love to let you know it. Usually a freshman or a younger cast member. They are just EXCITED TO BE THERE.

The One That Makes Excuses – There’s always someone who will make an excuse for LITERALLY everything when no one even fucking cares. During notes – they don’t just say “okay” or ask to clarify (both activities I feel are acceptable behavior during notes) they argue with the director EVERY. SINGLE.  REHEARSAL. – “Well I did it this way because –“ No. No. There is no “because”. They told you to stop fucking doing it. Stop doing it. If you have an idea or a question about something specific – you talk to the director afterwards. Not during notes. They make excuses for being late, for not wanting to wear a costume, for why they can’t remember their lines, why they didn’t come to rehearsal, for their bad audition/performance….Calm down, excuse maker. The more excuses you make the less I care about them…or you.

The “This Is My Last Show…No Really This Time” One – Usually in community theatre there is the one person who says that EVERY show is going to be their last one. They say that they are tired of the theatre grind/the theatre’s bullshit/acting/want to pursue other hobbies/they hate everyone in the theatre/or are just getting too old to want to be a part of the theatre community. This is usually said in a fit of frustrated hate towards someone in the show and they say “This is going to be my last show here…I really mean it…I just can’t do this anymore” and make a big dramatic statement during the cast party about the end of the show. Then they are at the next audition. Every. Single. Time. 

Weird is Wonderful

There are people who cry when they hear folk music - no matter what.


There are people who eat paper and never have thought to question it.


There are people who listen to you like they're in the car waiting for the light to change, but deep down they really are interested.


There are people who lounge around their house in unconventional clothing.


There are people who have never had sex and people who've had sex twelve times this week and you can't tell them apart because they're equally kind, well adjusted and happy.


There are people who are on the internet until 4 am and you assume they're looking at porn, but actually they're reading about underground rivers and and concrete graveyards and abandoned subway stations.


There are people you've known for ten years and you've never once seen them go to the bathroom because that was the way they wanted it.


There are people who talk to themselves and learn a lot from the conversation.


There are people who are not the target audience or demographic but are the truest fans.


There are people who would jump at the chance to do a pornographic film if asked, but they will never be asked and that's fine too.


There are people who never smile but are very happy.


There are people who hurt their best friends and when asked why they say they don't know, and truly don't.


There are people who enjoy peanut butter, banana, bacon sandwiches and always will.


There are people who have the same hidden opinions and fantasies and together their thoughts are a silent parallel universe where secrets are few.




And then they tell me that there are normal people in the world.

But i don't know what one looks like.

Because I've never met one.



And neither have you. So compare yourself to real people instead.

Rules of Living: Part I & II

            I wrote the first part of this list after my freshman year of college. After spending three months crying and then an additional five months freaking DA FUCK out - I found these comforting and compelling rules to keep living by. Anything to keep me alive.

             The second part was written EXACTLY three years later (even on the same day) after growing up, getting my heart smashed, getting a new job, and then another, graduating college, falling in love, making college friends, growing my acting career. After I learned something about how compelling life could be.

Part I:

1.Never stop thinking. This is important. If someone ever says to you ‘You need to stop thinking so much,’ call them ignorant in your head and keep thinking deeper. It is this mentality that breeds stupidity and sheeple. Your mind is the most important tool you have, if you stop using it, it will atrophy. Question everything.

2. Stare into space blankly and don’t mentally punish yourself for doing it, even if it is for that split second. If you have a problem with staring blankly, think of it as daydreaming.

3. Root Beer sucks after having spicy food.

4. Everything is going to be just fine. If you worry about acne, you’re going to get a fucking pimple.

5. Don’t be afraid to talk about anything. You shouldn’t be afraid of reality.

6. Everyone is a hypocrite.

7. You are all original. Every life experience is case sensitive and unique. Every time you wake up or go to the bathroom or quote someone else, you are becoming more you than anyone has ever been.

8. Do pointless things. Don’t actively restrain or hide yourself from the redundant.

9. Stop rushing. Shut up and embrace the sound of silence.

10. Religion shouldn’t be taught, it should be found. No one should tell you what to believe except you. And while were on the subject…

11. Don’t be restrained by one religion. People change every moment of everyday. Minds grow and evolve. Religion has no law so feel free to mix and match. Make your own.

12. Going to the bathroom is not a right nor a privilege. it’s an act of nature.

13. Talking to yourself is healthy. Is there anyone that you have more in common with?

14. There is no such thing as time. The sun never sets or rises. Days and years don’t exist. There is only your life. Earlier today you were born and death is predicted later in the evening.

15. We will always be in a transitional phase. Look outside and know that everything will be replaced at some point. This existence is temporary.

16. Its not half empty or half full. Its half a glass.

17. Every now and then take something that you see everyday and try to see it in a different light. Renew its existence.

18. Be happy, but don’t force it.

19. You will always succeed in trying.

20. We are all crazy. Every person you read about in the history books had some kind of ‘disorder’, they just knew how to use it.

21. We are all about as similar as we are different.

22. Ideas are just as valuable as people. Why do you think we keep making people?

87. Numbers don’t have to go in order. 24. Words will always be just words. Love is just another four letter word, only the feeling is real.

25. Ask a child for advice. They may not know much, but they know what is important.

26. Prove you’re alive. Do anything from dancing in the supermarket to screaming ‘Fuck’ during a moment of silence. Remind the world you are still here.

27. Don’t take anything, even this, too seriously.

Part II:

1.) Never turn anything down. Ever. Smoke weed, draw a tattoo on your leg and don’t wash it off, try a new drink, kiss a boy that you wouldn’t normally kiss, take a class you don’t need, play a role you hate in a show you don’t like, go to a party even when you’re tired, drive your friend’s car, go to an amateur standup comedy night, watch a movie you’ve never heard of, just….let life happen.



2.) Grades aren’t everything. I know that’s cliché. But they aren’t. They are arbitrary numbers. As long as they are enough to get you where you need to go and you actually LEARNED something and not recapitulated nonsense. You can get a C. You’ll graduate. You’ll get a job. You’ll find love. You will survive – even if biology isn’t your thing.



3.) Know how to handle your own anger. If you need to be alone in your room and punch the bed post – don’t go out with your friends and take it out on someone who doesn’t deserve it. If you fight with your words – don’t answer a text with words you don’t mean. Anger is a scary. Anger ruins friendships and relationships. Anger hurts and burns.



4.) When love leaves – sit there and enjoy the silence for a while. Remember who you were before you were a “we” and were still an “I”



5.) You’re allowed to do something shitty once in a while. If you forget to return a bracelet to a friend for a few days, or don’t feel like carrying a tray all the way back to the counter and leave it on top of a trashcan, or are short on money and only tip a waiter 10%, or eat the last bite of your boyfriend’s mac&cheese. It’s okay. I promise.



6.) Curse. Often. Remind people that you’re still alive.



7.) Do a random act of kindness. A small one. It’s really uplifting. Leave a note in someone’s notebook when they go to the bathroom so that in a few weeks when they get to that page they’re happily surprised– donate your loose change to a bake sale, go out of your way to put the shopping cart for the mom wrestling with two toddlers, give a five year old running a lemonade stand $5 for a fifty cent cup of lemonade, buy the oldest woman in your office a box of girl scout cookies. Little things make everything.



8.) Never underestimate how nice a well-timed text can be.



9.) Hand write notes. They’re special. Different. Funny. And it’s exciting to get mail that’s not bills.



10.) Say the weird shit that comes flitting through your mind.




11.) Don’t try to figure out magic tricks. It’s more fun to be vaguely impressed than to have a concrete and logical reasoning for something you know is nonsense.




12.) Don’t stop trying. If one person says no – keep asking. Most successful people didn’t follow someone else’s jobs and careers – they created their own. Create your life – don’t step in to someone else’s.



13.) It’s okay to cry about it. Mourn your losses. Wallow in your sadness. Embrace it. Eat junk food for 3 days and don’t put on pants. Stupid things. Important things. Grieve for yourself because often no one else will.



14.) Eat interesting food. Eat a chocolate covered cricket, squid legs, mountain oysters, bacon soda, or peanut butter on a hamburger. This is how the cronut came to be. Who knows? You could love it.



15.) Love hard. As hard as you can. Let yourself care completely about another human. It sucks when it’s over but it’s one hell of a ride. If you're not done being in love yet - see what you can do about it. Nothing is permenant.



16.) Tell people things you like about them. Tell a stranger that she has great hair or that you think his backpack is cool. Random compliments make people’s day. Hardly ever is someone freaked out by a “Hey, I really like your phone case!”



17.) Always have a bathing suit. You never know. Keep one in your car, your dorm, your purse, whatever. Be ready for an adventure.


18.) Please. Ask for help when you know you need it. It sucks and it’s terrifying but no one will know you’re drowning if you’re not in the water.

Where Do I Want to Start?

In any movie/TV show/play/musical that involves a therapist – the first question they ask if “where do you want to start?”

I’m going to a counselor. For the first time because my anxiety has finally started interfering with the way I live my day to day life. It physically pains me. Makes me out of control. I don’t want to go in to therapy. But maybe I’ll like it. I don’t know.

But fictitious theatrical therapist - Where do I want to start?

My recent break up with my college boyfriend.

My crushing loneliness since all my friends spread across the state and country.

My new job that no one has any idea what I’m supposed to be doing which is making it DAMN near impossible for ME to know what I’m supposed to be doing.

My long-term gay boyfriend who crushed my spirit for six months with his controlling behavior towards my behavior and feelings that constantly was restricting me and yelling at me.

Living with my parents full time which I haven’t done in over two years. And my dad’s aging which causes him to get more frustrated, do weird things, forget, and hurts him more to work. And my mom dealing with her parents, which makes her crabby and stressed and hard to approach.

Saving up money to live with my friends.

My future.

Anything involving the ten year experience that was Zach Worley.

So therapist, where do I want to start?

I don’t know.

I don’t want to talk about it.

I’ll probably make small talk for the whole hour.

For more than one hour.

Or cry. I cry a lot. It’s a knee jerk reaction to anger and anxiety.

Am I making a mistake? 

What Color Would It Have Been?

Would she have been white?

Blonde, blue eyed, with full lips and fuller curves.

Would he have been the color of cocoa?

Dark, almond eyes with sharply curved muscles.

Would she have been the color of coffee with too much cream and sugar?

With ambiguous skin tones and a more ambiguous name

Would he have had his name too?

Or would I have won the battle to name him something preppy?

Would she have been on the taller or shorter side of average height?

We both pushed the limits of average.

Would he be a fast runner? An athlete? Have a lazy eye?

Would she love theatre? Be a leader? Need glasses to see five feet away?

Would he have asthma?

Would she have curly hair?

Would he have wanted to chase the horizon to follow in footsteps?

Or would she have conquered the horizon to control the sunset?

I’ll never know that.

I’ll never know if she would have shined in the spotlight

I’ll never know if he would have thrived in the moment

I will however, always, know the color of the blood that dripped

I will always know the dull ache inside me that pained me for days

I will always know that I probably would have been alone.

I’ll never know if this would have even mattered.

Or if it was all in my head.

But my head thought about it. 

My head wondered - what color would it have been?